WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
