there's paper in my vomit.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
