I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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