grandma shit on top of the toilet
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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