You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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