She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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