This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
