Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
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I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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