Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
