My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
