I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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