People in love make me want to vomit
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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