There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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