i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
