I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
