I think I died a long time ago.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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