Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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