Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
