we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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