I just threw up on my dentist
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
