You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
