Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
