He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
