Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You ruined the universe
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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