dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My penis needs a shock collar
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
