he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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