also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
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Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
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Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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