Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
