i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
