How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
