this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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