i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
