Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
zippers are such a cool invention
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
