but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
