you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
