Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
