Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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