you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
