whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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