I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
