her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I haven't been this sober since birth.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
