Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
