So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
