the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
