Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
