i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
