Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
