we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
