He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
