I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
