You're earring is so big in my mouth
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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