my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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