Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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