omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
