I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
