dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
