mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
