Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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