farters have to be the big spoon...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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