so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
