apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
